i just had sex bonerless
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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