he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
