Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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