Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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