My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
