nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
