all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
