Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
