some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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