I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
