I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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