Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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