If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
