I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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