capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
