Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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