I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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