So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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