o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
