What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
