I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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