Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
