I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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