I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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