am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
