just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sobbing to NWA
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