I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
