did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
