you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
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