He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
