do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
