New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
