Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
