It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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