Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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