In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
