Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
