I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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