Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
