Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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