Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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