look no pants
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
