There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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