I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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