i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
