3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
