I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
