Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
