so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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