I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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